China Rose

I don’t know anymore.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Whenever I get onto the one Ventrilo server that used to be my one escape from everything shitty, I get so irritated and annoyed with people that it just becomes aggravating to talk. And before you say anything, no it’s not PMS.

I love all my friends, I really do, but sometimes I just want to smack people over the head with a boulder. I guess the things I’m most annoyed by is the way a few friends constantly change their attitude about some things. Something supposedly is a pet peeve, and yet it’s okay if certain people do it, etc. Someone gives advice on something, and yet goes to do what he/she said not to do because the situation is “different”. I would call it hypocrisy, but I guess it’s more “selective indifference” or something like that, since people would be mad if I call it hypocrisy so lightly.

I don’t know what to do. I get really fed up sometimes because I can’t even have a conversation with someone without others screaming over me and/or the other person anymore. And when I move to another channel to actually, I don’t know, get heard and talk to that person without needing to compete with people who aren’t even talking about the same thing, people come down and “raid” and just make it hard to talk again. If they don’t do that, they get upset that we’re ignoring the rest of the people when, you know, we don’t have much to say with each other to begin with, since they just ignore people either way.

One of my closest guy friends on that Vent server had said that he felt like we’re isolating ourselves from the rest of the group, and that because we do that, whenever we are in the channel and try to “enforce” the rules (that, you know, we get yelled at for not enforcing/following ourselves), people ignore us and do it more because they see us as so “strict” and “uptight”, all because we “isolate” ourselves. I didn’t “isolate” myself until recently. No one ever listened to me when I tried to say “stop it” or whatever, especially the other guys. Instead, they do it more. I started to hide out and only talk to a few people because of that. Instead of getting mad and abusing powers, I figured it’d be the more logical thing to do. Talking it out has never helped because people just forget and go back to doing it (especially since everyone on that vent is “very laid back”, as he put it), and I’d rather not get into any more fights with friends as I already do.

I have so many problems that I wish I could discuss with them, but I can’t. I’ll be treated as a child and/or “inexperienced”. How do I know this? Because they’ve done that to me before. Every time I try to bring something like that up, I get told “you don’t know anything” or something like that. I may still be a teenager, but I think I can see much clearer than those who are blind to their own situations. I may have a naïve view on life, but I can assure you that I’m not stupid to the world either. I’d rant about those here, but a lot of them are pretty “if you don’t the full story, you won’t get it” type of things and hard to explain.

I don’t know. I’m just aggravated. There are only a few people to whom I act talk on that vent without getting frustrated all the time. The others…if they’re not belching and acting like b-tards (sorry, they really have turned out that way now), then I can deal for the most part.

I probably annoy half of them with my constant bitching while playing games though, so…whatever. I just like hiding out now ’cause it keeps me calm. Maybe I’m being hypocritical myself. I hated it when the “couples” would ignore the rest of the vent all the time. It’s not like I don’t talk to other people when they come down and talk - I enjoy it for the most part, since when they come to us in the private channels, they’re calm and, I don’t know, actually fun without being excessively annoying and stupid.

On another note, my brother said to me the other day that I looked like a “fourteen-year-old. A prepubescent fourteen-year-old even” and asked if anyone thought I wasn’t in college when I was on campus (as in, a visitor or whatnot). Is it my fault that my Chinese genes make me look so young? :( He looks like he just got into college himself, so he shouldn’t be talking!